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Monday, February 25, 2013

Maxfield Anderson's Field Guide to Vampires

February 26, 2013:  It was quite a miraculous series of coincidences that led me to discover this manuscript. It's written by a lesser-known alternative animal biologist who was associated with Princeton University for a time, but then dashed from its bosom ... and we all know it doesn't get any worse than that ... But fortunately, through my work as a journalist, I was able to assist Maxfield Anderson with the editing and preparation of his manuscript and, fortunately for all interested parties, it's finally been put up for Kindle ... I suggest you read it. It's called Maxfield Anderson's Field Guide to Vampires, Book One -- Vampirus: The Fourth Domain ...

I suspect it will answer many questions you might have about vampires ... but have perhaps been too embarrassed to ask ...



Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Best, My Ass!

February 14, 2013:  Jeez, I'm so far behind my time ... Here I'm pondering my Brand, and my Platform, and the lack thereof each, and I see I'd better get this thing written and fast ...

But what to say, short of some vapid Valentine's Day mumbo-jumbo, or another tart ridiculing of Ash Wednesday, which remains one of the most bizarre rituals in modern America to me ...

But what, but what? ... And yes, I remember now, I wanted to express how much I despise people signing their letters "Best." No, I just hate it. Yes, I'm using the hate word -- hate. But I do. I find it such an obnoxious closing -- "Best, JJ." The implication is clearly that whoever signs a letter like that thinks they're better than you -- the best, in fact. Dirty Fuffers, really ...

I first came across the phrase -- the phray -- in Hollywood, say 10 years ago, when I was out there dying my hair. Best ... Yeesh, I really hate that ... It also always makes me feel like the writer doesn't even have the time to give me two words, like "Best Wishes," and mainly because I'm not worth their time, the lousy pig fuffers! Best indeed!

So that was one thing on my mind, and now you've got me all upset because you made me bring that up. I really hate that, and I hate all of you who send me letters signed with that. In fact, going forward -- which is a phrase I've come to love as much as I loathe "best" -- I'll say I'll give you five business days, and then after that, every letter or email I receive that's signed with a "Best" I will post in its entirety on a website -- someone's else, because I'm not going to sully mine with your "Best" -- and soundly ridicule you, your "Best," and possibly some people you care about, including your pets ... Jerk!

I'm not sure what else I can tell you tonight. I've just drank ... drinken another tea ... and I'm so disoriented, I can't remember if the correct word is drank, drunk, or drinken. If I were German, it would solve it, because it would be trinken, and that would be that, but as I'm sitting here with large glowing pupils and noticable jitters, I can't remember many of the English language words I use every day ... Just "Best" ... "Best" .... "Best" ... God, how I hate that! I hate it as much as I hate men wearing loafers without socks, and Rich -- among others -- knows how much that bothers me ... Best, indeed!

Best, My Ass!